A psychologist and friendship expert has advice on how to make friends as an adult.
I was recently talking to a colleague whose son just started ninth grade at a new school. He had a group of pals in elementary and middle school. My colleague said she had been coaching her son through the uncomfortable process of finding his people, telling him that it takes time, that it might be uncomfortable for a while. We agreed that this particular discomfort isn't limited to adolescence. She said that you have to relearn every time a shift happens. A shift could be starting a new job, moving to a new city, returning to in-person work and adjusting to life after a divorce. As children, we have school and, if we are lucky, we have a combination of parent-negotiated play dates, sports teams and after-school activities that create favorable conditions for making friends. Your environment is tailored to the cultivation of new ties, despite the indignities of finding a new group with whom to eat lunch.
We don't find ourselves in cohorts or situations like these once we leave formal schooling. Adults wishing to make friends are often advised to join a club to find a group of people who are into what you are into. We need to seek out the grown-up equivalent of a sandbox, a place where people are focused on making connections. The running club or knitting circle is an administrative part of friendmaking. The greater challenge is moving through the awkwardness and fears of rejection that we may have thought we left in the high school cafeteria. Marisa Franco, a psychologist and author of Platonic: How the Science of Attachment Can Help You Make — and Keep Friends, recently spoke to The Times about strategies for getting over such anxieties. She mentioned a number of theories about the dynamics of meeting new people that I found particularly interesting. The liking gap: We tend to underestimate others esteem. Dr. Franco said that when strangers interact, they are usually more liked by the other person than they assume. She said that acceptance prophecy: When people assume others like them, they tend to become warmer and friendlier. That leads others in turn to respond warmly. The theory of inferred attraction: People tend to like people who think they are like them. The weather in New York turned brisk this week, ushering in the beginning of the roast chicken season. Arguably, you don't need a recipe to roast a chicken - just salt it, stick it in a hot oven and then remove when golden and cooked to the bone. Marcella Hazan's recipe has a twist. She pricks a couple of lemons with a skewer and stuffs them into the chicken cavity before roasting. The drippings, which make a heady sauce, make a heady sauce to spoon over the meat. There are dozens of recipe notes with ideas for additions like garlic, thyme, onion, etc. There are just as many notes that say not to change a thing. The cold nights will last for a while, giving you plenty of time to experiment. Clemson vs. North Carolina State, college football: These two top 10 teams, considered the best in the Atlantic Coast Conference, will face off in a prime-time matchup that will send one home with its first loss. Clemson is coming off a dramatic double-overtime win over Wake Forest, perhaps the best game of Clemson quarterback D.J. 10 N.C. State has a solid defense and a win in last year s meeting. Clemson is playing at home this year, where it hasn't lost since 2016.